Monday, October 04, 2021

Two Cows Explain Government Types

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

You have 2 cows. They out vote you 2 - 1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains until they go mad. The government assures everyone that everything is fine.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

You have 2 cows. You can do whatever you like with them as long as you don't interfere with the lives and property of others.

LIBERTARIANISM: It's none of your damn business how many cows I have!

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM - Option 1
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

COMMUNISM - Option 2
You share 2 cows with your neighbor. You and your neighbor bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the free market.

You have 2 cows. The government takes both cows and shoots you.

You and your neighbor are contesting the ownership of two cows. A Royal Commission is struck to study the issue. Three years after both cows die, the Commission releases its preliminary findings.

You have two cows. The government decides it is in your best interest to regulate your cows' milk production. When you raise a stink, you are appointed to the Milk Restriction Citizens Advisory Board. Together with a bunch of government scientists and non-profit organizations, you study your cows to death.

You have two cows. The government outlaws possession and distribution of cows, then arrests you for possession of a controlled animal with intent to distribute (you did have TWO cows!) and locks you up for life. While in prison, your cell mate offers to trade you a cow for a carton of cigarettes.

You have two cows. The cows move into your house while you move into the barn and barely get by raising organic vegetables.

You have two cows. Late one night, a renegade IRS agent sneaks into your ranch and cuts off the left ear of one of your cows without your knowledge. You find out when the victim cow gets an infection. You have to purchase antibiotics for the cow and you also must pay the tax. You are sued by the FDA for milking a sick cow, and for practicing medicine without a license. You are sued by the EPA for killing bacteria and for failing to file an environmental impact statement. You are sued by the ATF for practicing an unlicensed religion involving cow ear sacrifices, for conspiracy to manufacture a firearm without a license, and for suspected child pornography. You are sued by OSHA for creating an unsafe workplace where someone could step on a cow's ear. You are arrested by the FBI for trading in cow parts without a license. They want the last known whereabouts of the cow's ear. You are slandered by a PBS program. You are attacked on TV magazine shows "Sixty Idiots," "True Lies," and "Twenty Panties". You are harassed by animal rights activists. You have to sell the cow with two ears to pay your legal bills.

Wow, Dude, there's like . . . these cows, man. You've got to have some of this milk.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many you actually have.

You have all of the cows in Afghanistan, which means two of them.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.